


You matter to me

by Mumrik



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, in this fic you get two tired war veterans giving each other love and support, not canon compliant since Bluebird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:28:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21864499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mumrik/pseuds/Mumrik
Summary: One day, a particular ruby comes to Jasper's cave asking for guidance. Jasper offers her to stay in the cave (not because she feels lonely or anything). Jasper tries to hold up her charade of being the great, admirable, perfect quartz, but struggles to keep her composure and her self loathing at bay.(I've rewritten and developed this fic a little bit since it was first posted.)
Relationships: Eyeball/Jasper (Steven Universe)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33





	You matter to me

**Author's Note:**

> I had to write this for self indugent reasons because I love those two gems so much, and I think they could have some good development together. And it's a good thing I can ignore canon and create my own version of the story. If you do read this fic and find any redeeming qualities about it what so ever, please tell me and I would be so happy!

Jasper was sitting on top of her cave, looking out over her territory. She had to keep constant watch, in case any of those earthlings would dare to come too close. Any intruders that invaded her space would be destroyed!

Her loathing towards this ruined, awful planet was what kept her thoughts occupied. Anger was what had fueled Jasper her whole life. It had shaped her into the gem she was. She could not allow for those other, unwelcome, feelings to surface. Those would just make her weak, make her distracted. So those feelings had to be pushed deep down.

Anger was a great asset when fighting the war, crushing those crystal gem traitors to dust without any feelings of regret. But were could she direct her hatred now, now when the crystal gems and Homeworld were at peace, now everything she had fought for had meant nothing...

So Jasper kept directing her anger towards the planet. Earth was a prison, one that Jasper could never escape. For her, the Earth would always be a war zone. She had been made for it, for the purpose of fighting that war.

Everything Jasper did, she had done to be serve her Diamond, to show her loyalty and devotion. She had done everything to become the ultimate soldier and fulfill her purpose, so she could prove her worth and her right to existence. She had seen most of her fellow beta-gems die. She had believed they had deserved to die, because they were weak, they were defective and unworthy. That's what the reality of the war had taught her.

But that was an old truth now.

Her whole life and existence, her entire worldview and sense of self, it had all been a lie.

Jasper's mind always came to an halt when those unwelcome thoughts tried to surface. Everything she ever taught herself as a means to justify and explain every cruel thing in her life, all the death and suffering, it had all been wrong.

She had never fought for her Diamond's wishes. She had been the villain the whole time.

It was too much to take in, too much to process. So Jasper didn't.

Steven and the crystal gems had tried to convince her to join Little Homeworld. To get over the past, to learn how to live a new life, now what she no longer had the directions of the diamonds.

She knew the crystal gems took advantage of pathetic, pityful gems that were desperate to have something new to cling to. But just because Jasper had lost her purpose, lost her whole truth, didn't mean she was going to let her mind get molded into whatever brainwashing that was going on at “Little Homeschool”.

She was Jasper, she was one of the strongest and most impressive warriors that Homeworld had ever made. She didn't need, or want, any help.

*****

Jasper didn't know for how long she had been living alone in her cave. Not that living alone bothered her. Jasper never had any need for company. She was used to being on her own.

Back in the war, she had fought together with the other earth gems, but on Homeworld, she was separated from them. She was the only one of them worthy of serving Yellow Diamond's army. The other, defective betas, were an embarrassment to Homeworld, but she had proven herself to be better.

She had a great reputation from the war. But she was still an earthling, and from that shameful kindergarten. The other quartzes were all jealous that a jasper from earth could be so much stronger than them, and she had to teach them who was the toughest and most brutal of them all. This didn't made her popular. Gems would call her arrogant, a terrorizer, a bully.

Well, so what if she was, she had the right to prove herself to those losers. What did she care that everyone hated her. She knew she would never fit in among the Homeworld quartzes, or with any other idiotic gems that were now being brainwashed by Steven. She was not like them. And she didn't need friends. Friendship was for weaker gems who could do nothing on their own. All she needed was someone to fight, so she could prove she was the best. And that was that.

She definitely didn't yearn for companionship, not ever.

She spent most of her time training. Throwing rocks. Fighting off organics. Making sure none of those puny green earthlings ever grew up from the dirt around her cave.

But one day there was a gem showing up at her territory. A sole ruby.

No one had came to her cave other than Steven. She wondered what that ruby was doing here, and whether or not it was worth to reveal herself from under her blanket. She decided she wouldn't just let the ruby intrude on her territory, so she thew off her blanket of and jumped down from the cliff in front of her.

“What are you doing here?” she growled.

The ruby was startled, staring at her with her one eye open wide. Then, to Jasper's surprise, the ruby went rigid and greeted her with the old diamond salute.

“Jasper! I'm Ruby 1F4 Cut-4ND. I've been looking for you for a long time. And I've finally found you.”

The ruby looked as if she had to try very hard to keep her composure. Jasper looked at her skeptically.

“Why? Did Steven send you here?”

The ruby looked affronted.

“No! I hate Steven Universe. I'm not falling for any more of his tricks!”

Jasper was a bit taken aback by that. So there was a another gem that didn't want be be brainwashed by Steven? She had thought that everyone loved him.

“Then why are you here on earth, looking for me?”

The ruby seemed to turn a bit flustered by that, as her cheeks blushed a darker red.

“Jasper, you have always been my hero and inspiration, ever since I fought the gem war on Earth. The thought of you, of your strength and dedication, it always kept me determined to become the best soldier I could be. It gave me the willpower to never give up no matter how bad everything seemed.”

She took a deep breath as she continued, “Since this new development, I've been feeling lost as to what to do, or what to think. I spent all of era two grieving for Pink Diamond, wishing I could have done something to hinder her shattering. But now it turns out she was never shattered. The whole war, all of the fighting for our diamond, to defeat Rose Quartz... it was all for nothing.”

The Ruby had grown more agitated as she spoke. Jasper could see the pain in her eye, hear the pain in her voice. It was the same pain that Jasper felt inside of her, the pain she tried so hard to repress but never the less consumed her whole being. She hated seeing it reflected back at her so clearly, and she had to look away from the ruby as she continued talking.

“ I just can't make sense of it. I can't believe I'm just supposed to go along with all this new stuff, after everything. Before Steven became part of the diamond authority, I tried to kill him, thinking I was avenging my diamond - I was gonna be a hero! But instead I became a villain, and now everyone despises me... I don't know who I am supposed to be anymore, but my whole life, I always looked up to you as a role model. I just thought, that of all gems, you'd have some answers.”

Jasper was just standing, staring at the tense-looking ruby in front of her, not knowing what to say. The ruby looked up at her with awe and anticipation, as if Jasper was the one who could set things right, someone to offer guidance and insight.

But Jasper was not that person. Deep, very deep down, Jasper new she was a complete wreck, someone who spent her days wrapped in a blanket trying not to go insane. She tried to tell herself that she wasn't broken, but this ruby had come to remind her just how broken she was.

She was at loss. So she sneered and let out a scornful scoff. That's how she usually treated rubies. She couldn't stand their stupid awestruck faces. The era one war veteran rubies would always admire her despite being from earth. But they did it for all the wrong reasons.

“I don't want you here. Get out of my sight and leave me alone.”

The ruby looked completely crushed, as her face fell. She looked down at her feet, took a sharp breath in, and did the diamond salute.

“It was an honor meeting with you, Jasper.”

Then she turned around.

Jasper suddenly felt devastated. Her stomach sunk, she was overwhelmed with an ugly feeling, and the self-loathing that she always tried to push away hit her at full force. Why was she feeling like that? It was just a ruby!

But there was something about this ruby. Something, in her stance, the way she clenched her fists, the look on her face, the pain in her eye that so much reflected her own...

Despite herself, Jasper called out. “Wait.”

The ruby halted and turned around.

“I guess... you could stay. Since you've came all the way here.” Why did she say that? Would she let this ruby live in her cave? 

The ruby looked at her, baffled. “Really? I can stay, here, with you?”

“That's what I said, yes.”

The ruby's face went soft and starry-eyed before turning into a big smile that lightened up her entire face. It was a huge contrast to her otherwise stern expression. It made Jasper feel very funny feelings. Almost like she wanted to see the ruby smile like that many times over again. Like she wanted to be the one who made the ruby smile like that.

What an utterly inane thought. Jasper was not the kind of gem that made anyone smile.

*****

After a while of the two of them living together, Jasper started to admit to herself that Ruby was quite an acceptable company. Ruby would help her yank the grass of the ground to keep her territory clean, and they would spend some time trash talking the crystal gems or training with the rocks.

Ruby was also very easily impressed, so Jasper took ample of opportunity to show off. She was good at that. Jasper didn't feel so much like a sad-sack hiding under a blanket, and started to see herself more through Ruby's eye: as a magnificent, amazing quartz worthy of admiration.

But Jasper knew that sooner or later, Ruby would see through this deception. And then she would leave.

Jasper didn't know why the thought of Ruby leaving made her feel so bad. Then she would have her cave all for herself again, as she was supposed to. But sometimes, Ruby would wander off somewhere and Jasper would feel a crushing sense of... something. But it lifted when Ruby came back, and Jasper would feel somehow lighter, as if Ruby made it easier to exist.

But when Ruby smiled, Jasper would feel really weird. Some kind of fluttering feeling in her chest, and dizziness in her head. Sometimes she would even feel her cheeks warm up. What was that?

Whatever it was, Jasper felt confused and self-conscious about it, but if also made her, just for a little bit, feel less miserable.

On day, Jasper och Ruby was wandering around looking for some big rocks to smash. They went to very steep mountain that Jasper used to climb. Jasper would sometimes hit the mountain wall with her fist and cause a landslide of huge rocks and gravel, just for fun. It was one of few ways she could entertain herself on this planet. She and Ruby both got nearly completely buried behind it. Once they had surfaced Ruby complained about getting sand in her pants, and Jasper chuckled. She didn't know how Ruby made it so easy to laugh, but she did. She was having fun.

“Your hair is full of earth-dirt” Jasper said, and without thinking she bent down and ruffled Ruby's hair. Ruby looked a bit startled at first and Jasper saw her cheeks go deeper red. It made Jasper's face warm up too. Weird.

They started to climb up on the highest top on the mountain. From there, she could see the ocean. Jasper sometimes liked to stand at the edge of the cliff, looking down at the ground far below. If she took a step over the cliff, she would fall against the sharp rocks. Her physical form has almost impossible to poof. But her gem was as easily cracked as any of the jaspers that were killed during the war. She was standing by the cliff, thinking these thoughts. Thinking about falling, how easy it would be. The thought made her feel lightheaded. She noticed Ruby coming up to her, and placing a hand on her leg, as if to ground her. Jasper took a few steps back.

Ruby looked at her in a weird way. Jasper turned her face away.  
Suddenly, Jasper got a really strong urge to smash something really, really hard. So she hit the mountainwall with her fist with all her force. The rock cracked and Ruby almost fell down the cliff, but she was just quick enough to jump away. Jasper's breath caught in her throat.

Ruby looked a bit shaken, breathing heavenly. Then she got up and smiled at Jasper, ”Wow, Jasper, you're so strong! You almost cracked the whole mountain apart!”

Jasper wished she was strong enough to crack her own gem apart.

***

When they came back to the cave, it was dark and raining. Ruby made a fire. It was warm and bright and... nice.

Jasper wasn't used to nice things. She never let herself have them. Not that there was anything nice about this planet anyway.

Jasper started to pluck some gravel and small rocks that had been stuck in her hair. All of it was full of stupid earth dirt.

Ruby came up to her. She looked as if she was working up the courage to say something.

“I could help you clean your hair.”

Jasper's first impulse was to reject her. Both quartzes and rubies are touchy and physical gems by nature. But Jasper had not had that kind of casual physical contact for a long time. It brought back memories that she would rather repress.

But despite herself, she let Ruby tend to her hair. Ruby looked very pleased. And Jasper tried not to think about how... good, it felt. Jasper wasn't used to feeling good or... or cared for. It was as if she couldn't really process the feeling properly. But she felt herself leaning into Ruby's touch.

After Ruby was done, Jasper felt a bit drowsy. Ruby snuggled up against her. Jasper did not have it in her to push her away. She just let Ruby rest her small warm body against hers.

There were very few things that Jasper found amenable about her existence. But she realized, that Ruby made her life much more bearable just by existing. But there was a problem. Jasper had sworn to never again develop any kind of attachment to weaker and less worthy gems. It never ended well.

Jasper noticed that Ruby had dosed off against her. Jasper looked down at her face, and it looked... very content and happy. Jasper felt herself get frustrated. Jasper was a warrior. Her body was made to kill people, to harm people. She was supposed to look intimidating and terrifying. She almost got Ruby killed this very day. Ruby was not supposed to snuggle against her!

And still, it felt so good.

That's how Jasper knew it was wrong.

*****

Sometimes, Jasper would let her consciousness fade away into nothingness. It was the thing humans called “sleep”. It was a strange thing for a hyper vigilant soldier to do. Usually, she would not let up her attention like that. But she was so exhausted, she'd let it happen. The only problem was the nightmares.

Sometimes, she dreamed about the war, explosions and screams and the terrified faces of her enemies. Sometimes, she dreamed about the ocean, and fighting against chains as she was drowning. Sometimes she just woke up with her breathing out of control, her body paralysed with terror.

She hated when that happened, so she had avoided sleeping for some time. However, Jasper now woke up with her own agonized roar echoing in her head. She caught sight of Ruby, who looked at her with worry. Jasper pushed her way and stomped out of the cave.

The dream had been about the corruption. About that day in the kindergarten, when she had lost against yet another fusion, and she had been desperate to win, so desperate she fused with a corrupted gem.

Steven had offered her his help. But she was already ruined, in more ways than one. She didn't deserve help. She didn't want it. Jasper was a failure, and now she had the corruption scars as proof that her perfect form had always been deceptive, hiding her real defect.

At least there was one thing Jasper was truly good at, and that was fighting. But the only thing left to fight now, was the stupid organic life. So that's what she would fight.

She took out her feelings out on some of the nearby trees. Ripping them out of the ground with their roots, breaking them in half. It wasn't really satisfying, not the least.

She sat down on the ground and let out a frustrated sound.

Ruby came over and sat beside her. Jasper didn't feel like acknowledging her, so she didn't. But she could sense Ruby wanted to say something, so she snapped.

“What?!”

“Well, you seemed upset... I was wondering if...”

“These stupid trees are making me upset, they're too weak for me to fight!” Jasper growled.

“Oh, yeah, the earth trees are really stupid...”

Ruby went quiet, and Jasper hoped she would press the issue. But she spoke up again, a bit hesitant.

“Jasper.. I was just wondering... If you hate Earth so much, why are you still here?”

“I don't have anywhere else to go.”

“What do you mean? You could go anywhere.”

“I don't belong anywhere!” Jasper snapped.

Jasper had never truly belonged anywhere, had she? Not among the defective betas, not in Yellow Diamond's army on Homeworld. She didn't belong among the earth quartzes at the zoo station. She didn't belong among the uncorrupted gems at Little Homeworld. She had no place in the old diamond order anymore. She had no place in this new order. She had no purpose, and no direction. She was just an outcast, unwanted, vilified.

Without knowing why, Jasper continued talking.  
“I used to be a legendary war hero. But now I am nothing.”

Ruby looked at her intensely.

“All my life, I was striving to be more like you. You were The Beta kindergartner That Could, and I wanted to be The Ruby That Could. To prove I was better then other rubies. To prove I was... more.. than just a ruby.”

Ruby looked down at her feet.

”But on Homeworld, my deeds during the war didn't mean much. I thought that if I could bring Rose Quartz's gem to the diamonds, I would become recognized as a hero. I would go down in history! But instead, I was just made into a fool.”

She clenched her fists. “I've failed at everything I tried to do. I've never accomplished anything. If you're nothing, than I'm even less.” She looked up at Jasper again. “But you're not nothing. You're are strong, devoted, passionate, and brave. You will always be the greatest gem soldier to ever exist.”

Jasper felt her face twist into an ugly grimace, a rotten, awful feeling spreading through her. “Even if it is true, it's of no use anymore! All that mattered was proving myself to my Diamond. I fought and killed all those gems, I was the ultimate warrior! But it meant nothing to her. She never wanted me. All she cared about was the organic life on earth!”

Jasper was breathing heavily, trying to hold back the tears that burned behind her eyes. She hated that she had been voicing these thoughts aloud. She felt so much shame. Her whole life had been dedicated to Pink Diamond, and Jasper had put away all of her own selfish thoughts and feelings and suffering, just to mold her self to be Pink Diamonds perfect soldier.

She had hated Rose Quartz, for forcing her to fight a such a brutal war, seeing so many of her defective sisters die. But it was never Rose Quartz. It was her own diamond all along. Jasper had only been made as a means for Pink Diamond to uphold her charade. Pink Diamond had wanted to “liberate” gems. But for Jasper, and the other Earth soldiers, the war had been the opposite of liberating.

Ruby put her hands on Jaspers arms, her face looking grim. “Pink Diamond was a cruel gem. She orchestrated a war and she fought her own soldiers. I witnessed her shattering, but it was just a trick, an act to deceive all of gemkind.”

Ruby looked down again, clenching her fists to her sides.

“Us soldier, we're not supposed to complain. We are just supposed to carry on and deal with whatever we have to deal with, for the sake of our diamonds. We don't matter. Especially not rubies.”

“You do matter. To me!” Jasper was surprised by the force and urgency of her voice. Where did that come from?  
But she new it was true. She'd never thought highly of rubies, as nobody did. They were disposable, in war used as canon fodder at best. And still... this Ruby was important. She was important to Jasper, even though she shouldn't be.

Ruby looked at her, baffled. She had tears glimmering in her eye.  
“I am? Why is that?”

Jasper couldn't answer that, she had a big lump in her throat and her vision had gone blurry.

When Ruby reached up to wipe the tears of her face, Jasper didn't push her away.

Once the tears had stated to run from her eyes, Jasper could not fight them anymore. She had been crying before, tears heated from anger and self hatred. But this was different. It was as if she was letting go of something ugly inside of her. Even since the war, Jasper had never been allowed to admit to her self that she had been hurt by the war. To do that would have been selfish, and she had believed that even when she learned the truth about her Diamond... But now, she was letting herself grieve, for all the gems that were damaged in the war, for herself, for Ruby. 

After a while, her crying calmed down, and she felt exhausted. But also... like some pressure inside her chest had been released.

Ruby had been hugging her small arms around her, and Jasper had been holding her tight against her chest, clinging to her. Jasper let go abruptly, feeling mortified.

Surely Ruby couldn't feel any kind of admiration towards her now when she had seen this embarrassing display of weakness. Ruby admired Jasper for her strength and composure, and she would be disappointed by seeing her hero being reduced to this. Jasper had reveled her biggest secret: how the war and trying to be the perfect quartz had never truly made her strong, and that she had always been broken underneath all the bravado.

But, Ruby was still there, holding her hand.

Jasper stared at the ground in front of her. There was a little bug crawling in the ground. Jasper couldn't muster up any kind of loathing towards it, like she usually did. Perhaps... perhaps her anger towards earthlings was misdirected.

She sat like that a long while. Just staring at the bug. So small, so insignificant. But still, something about it had made her diamond want to defend it. Seen beauty and worth in it.

Ruby was just sitting quietly next to her. Then she spoke up.

“Jasper, I know you hate the earth and all but... I was thinking... everything on here can't be completely bad? After all, you were made here. It's your homeplanet.”

“I was supposed to be the one good thing to come from Earth. But I'm not.” For once, Jasper felt devoid of feeling as she said this. The words felt empty to her somehow.

Ruby seemed perplexed by this. Jasper regretted saying anything. She always acted so boastful and self-assertive when Ruby was around. But surely not even a ruby could be fooled by that for very long.

Ruby frowned at her. Then she made a small, shy smile.

“Maybe it doesn't mean much, but you're good to me.”

*****

Life went on like before, only it felt different. Jasper still tried hard not to let dark thoughts consume her, but it was easier somehow. Sometimes she even forgot that she hated herself and the whole world. She forgot that Earth was a war zone and a prison.

All her life she had needed to be perfect to prove herself not to be worthless. And when she had learned that her purpose had meant nothing, she thought she had no worth and value left at all.

But Ruby liked her even though she wasn't the perfect quartz anymore, despite being void of purpose and good for nothing. And even though she had seen her at her lowest, Ruby didn't pity her. She still thought Jasper was great. And likewise... Jasper thought the same about Ruby.

Jasper still didn't know how to deal with all those weird, confusing and compromising feelings she had for Ruby. It wasn't feelings she thought she could ever have, or allow her self to have.

Ruby had started to become less reserved and more... physical. She would sometimes climb up on Jaspers hair and sit on top of her head. Or she would crawl up on her lap. She always looked so happy that Jasper couldn't do anything but let her. When Ruby was smiling at Jasper, Jasper felt a sense of euphoria rushing through her. It was better than any power rush she had ever felt, even though it made her weak in the knees. Sometimes she would almost feel as if her form would dissipate. It would have been embarrassing, being poofed by a ruby. However, she felt herself care less about her composure everyday.

But it was still wrong, wasn't it? There were many reasons this development was bad, why Jasper could never let herself embrace it.

Jasper knew that Ruby was wrong about her being “good”. She knew that Ruby still found her admirable and awe inspiring. But “good”? No, Jasper didn't know how to be good to others. Jasper was a warrior, and all her life she's been taught to bury her soft feelings, to fuel her aggression and to become a brute. All she new was violence, and it was the first thing that was taught to her, and had been taught to hr through her whole life.

Jasper new she was brutal, cruel, ruthless. She didn't know how to not hurt others. She had almost hurt Ruby several times. Sometimes unintentionally, but sometimes just to get an outlet for her frustration.

She thought about her family. The other betas. She had been close to them once, until she ruined it. She had taken out so much her frustration and aggression on them. They had started to fear her. They even avoided fusing with her during battles. Jasper was the most powerful soldier there was, and still... no one wanted to stay fused with her for long. When they unfused, they always seemed harrowed as if sharing their minds with her had terrified them.

It didn't matter though, Jasper was strong enough on her own, she didn't need to fuse. Fusion was a cheep tactic for weak gems.

But Jasper was weak. That's why she had fused with the corrupted gem.

That's why she had fused with Lapis.

Lapis was insanely strong, and Jasper had needed to be strong, more than anything. Lapis had used her, to take out all her anger on her. She had known that Jasper was the only gem strong and durable enough to take it, to handle the weight of the ocean pushing her down. To handle the full power of Lapis' wrath and agony without breaking.

Being stuck as Malachite had been terrible, but it had still felt... right.

And once they were no longer together, it had left her feeling weak and vulnerable, like Lapis had taken something from her, and she was desperate to go back.

She's told Lapis that she wouldn't try fight her any more, that she would be submissive and let Lapis dominate her. She just wanted to feel that insane power-rush again, the one she felt when they fought the crystal gems together. It had been brilliant, amazing. Malachite was a monster, but so what? Jasper had longed for the chance to just let go of her self, to give up herself and become one with Lapis.

But Lapis hadn't wanted her. Her words echoed in Jasper's head: _I newer want to feel they way I felt with you._

Jasper never wanted to be dependent on another gem again.

*****

It was a bright, sunny day. Jasper was laying on the cliff, sunbathing. It was the time of the earth-year when it was getting colder, and the colors of the leaves shifted from green to orange and red. Jasper kinda liked those colors. They looked very appealing together.

Ruby came up to her with something in her hands. It was a rock.

“Look Jasper, the size and cut of this rock looks just like your gem!”. She held the rock tenderly in her hands, and looked at in fondly, like the stone was something precious and wonderful.

Jasper forcibly took the rock from her and threw it away into the woods.

Jasper didn't want to look at Ruby's sad, disappointed face, so she didn't. But Ruby spoke up to her.

“Why did you do that?!” She sounded affronted, angry. Jasper was a bit taken aback.

She didn't know what to say. She couldn't say why she had acted so irrationally. It had been on impulse, because the way Ruby had looked at that stone had made her feel overwhelmed. Had made her feel things she didn't know how to handle.

She felt a rush of sudden panic, her body getting ready for a fight or flight response. As always she choose fight. She grabbed Ruby aggressively by the shirt, breathing hotly in her face.

“Why do you like me?!” Jasper growled.

She hadn't meant to say that.

Ruby just stared at her. Her mouth a grim line.

Jasper pushed her away, and she stood up. She couldn't look at Ruby anymore. She felt shame washing over her, and she was breathing heavily.

Ruby was silent, and Jasper could feel her staring at her back. She tried to calm her breathing down, but she only got worse.

“Why are you so upset? Did I do something wrong?”

Jasper still couldn't face her. “You shouldn't be here!”

“What? You want me to leave?”

”Why would I want a stupid ruby pestering me all day long?!”

Jasper felt terrible saying those harsh words. But she couldn't tell Ruby that the thing she had done wrong was to make Jasper like her. Jasper was not used to handle feelings like that. Gentle, soft, longing feelings... Jasper knew, however, how to be awful. So she would resume to being awful, because that's who she was.

Jasper was not ready for the intense pain in her chest, that she felt as Ruby silently went up and left.

****

Ruby was gone.

Jasper knew Ruby was right to leave her. Ruby liked her too much, and Jasper had done nothing to deserve it.

She didn't want Ruby to end up in a toxic relationship with her. She didn't want to ruin her, or hurt her. She knew Ruby would let her. Just like Jasper had let Lapis hurt her, like she had wanted Lapis to hurt her. Jasper had started to realize that Ruby was too emotionally dependent on her, and Jasper was likewise, and it had to end before it was too late.

Jasper had never been in a healthy relationship, she had never been in a relationship that wasn't about asserting power, or about using someone for power. She didn't want to have anything like that with Ruby. So Ruby had to leave.

However, Jasper regretted the way she had been lashing out towards Ruby. And even though Jasper had taught herself to not dwell on those unnecessary feelings of regret... it was eating on her. Why did she care so much? She had done worse thing in her life, much worse.

But she did care. She cared about Ruby. And maybe it was worth setting aside some of her self loathing for that. There was something Jasper needed to tell Ruby. She had to go see her.

Jasper was a very good tracker. She knew she could find her.

*****

Ruby had went to the same mountain that they both had been climbing some time ago. Jasper found her sitting on the edge of the cliff, looking down at the high steep underneath. It was the same cliff where Jasper had been standing many times. Where Ruby had almost fell down. There was a huge crack from where Jasper had hit the mountainside.

Jasper was almost overwhelmed by self hatred as she looked at Ruby, who didn't turn around to face her, even though she must have been aware of Jasper's presence.

When Jasper saw Ruby sitting there at the cliff, she was hit with a surge of urgency.

“Ruby!” She called out.

Ruby slowly turned around. She looked so tired, her face dark and filled with deep lines, and her eye was red and swollen.

Still, Ruby gave her a small, strained smile. It looked sad och pained, but still genuine. It made Jasper's chest hurt.

“Hi Jasper. I... I'm glad to see you.”

“Why are you sitting here?” Jasper said, her voice sounded strange to her ears.

Ruby's face fell.

“Oh. Sorry. I'll go...”

Jasper flinched at the sad painful look on Ruby's face. Then she braced herself.

“I came to tell you something”

“Whats that?”

Ruby looked so small and tired and... and miserable. Jasper hated to see her looking like that. It was all wrong! Ruby wasn't supposed to look so... broken.

Jasper hadn't really realized it before, but now it hit her just how much Ruby had grown since she had first entered Jasper's cave. She had been more self-assured, more high-spirited... happier.

She had gone from being a reserved, tired, lusterless gem, to becoming she most beautifully glowing one Jasper had ever seen.

And now Jasper had undone it. Of all the terrible things Jasper had done, this one was the worst. And she had to fix it. She had to set this right.

If only she new how.

“Ruby. I wanted to tell you...“

Jasper didn't know how to put into words what she wanted to express. Her thoughts were all in disarray. But as she looked at Ruby, she forced her mind to clear. She needed her to understand that there was nothing about Ruby that had made Jasper reject her.

Jasper new Ruby struggled with many similar things that Jasper did. They both had struggled with a crushing sense of failure. They had both wanted to prove themselves and be great, to be better than their humble origins. Because if they weren't great, they were nothing. But Jasper once had all the things that Ruby had wanted, the glory and recognition, and it had brought her nothing. And it didn't made her a better gem. Ruby had helped her see this more clearly. She had always been dismissive of Rubies. Because they were weak gems, weaker than some of the defective jaspers and carnelians from her kindergarten. She had despised and rejected her fellow betas, because Homeworld had told her to, and because she felt ashamed at being the same as them. But she didn't think like that anymore. 

”Ruby, I need you to know that... That I... I admire you. You are a great gem, and that fame and glory and all the things you wanted to feel valued, they don't mean anything. It's not important. But you are. You are important, and you... you have value.”

She was a stumbling mess. But as she said all that, Jasper realized how very far away from her old views she had come, but also how true it felt, much more true than anything Homeworld had told her. And she felt elated by it.

Ruby stared at her very intensely. Jasper couldn't read her face at all.

“You really think all that, about me? But... I thought... I thought you found me an annoyance. Isn't that why you told me to leave?”

Jasper turned her face away, as she felt ashamed once again.

“Why would you even want to stay?”

Ruby frowned at her.

“Heh. You're even dumber than a ruby, if you have to ask that.”

“Huh?” Jasper felt dumbfounded. She was truly out of her depth, with all those weird thoughts and conflicting feelings inside of her.

Ruby had came to her because she saw her as her role model. But she must have learned by now that Jasper wasn't someone to look up to or take after. She had never been a hero. She had always been a failure, a cruel, awful gem that nobody liked.

Ruby's face turned soft, and she looked away.

“To tell the truth, you are not exactly how I first expected you to be. You seem to not hold yourself at very high esteem. At first, I didn't understand it. You are a great war veteran, your accomplishments were awe-inspiring to everyone! The first day you emerged, you took out all of those crystal gems, everyone talked about it. But I've realised that maybe you never felt that good about it, deep down. I realised I've been suppressing some of those feelings as well. That fighting other gems in the war was quite harrowing, even though we were taught that what we did was honorable. It shaped us, as gems, perhaps not in good ways. And maybe... I figured that being the perfect quartz has been a burden to live up to. But I still think you're a hero, just not in the same way I used to do...”

Ruby stood up, and she lifted her face towards Jasper.

“I think... maybe... perhaps none of us are very good gems. But maybe we could... have something good... together. That's how I feel, when I'm with you.”

Jasper had never seen something so beautiful in her life. She felt something inside of her shift. She felt as if, maybe Ruby was right. Maybe they could have something good.

Ruby had been coming to Jasper, looking for answers. But Ruby was the one who had given Jasper the answers, or at least helped her figure it out.

The war had taught Jasper many things. But none of those things had made her a stronger gem. It had just made her dysfunctional. But the war was over. And she could start over. Part of her would always be damaged from it, but she could allow herself to heal, allow herself to change, to become someone new, someone who wasn't dictated by old Homeworld beliefs...

Jasper wanted to become a better person. She wanted to become a better person for Ruby. She knew that when she made Ruby smile or laugh, it felt like the best accomplishment she had ever done in her entire life. And Jasper liked being the person that she was when they were together, and she wanted to embrace that.

Ruby deserved to be happy and appreciated. Maybe Jasper did not. But maybe it didn't matter what they deserved. The only thing that mattered was that Jasper wanted to make Ruby feel all the good things that she had made Jasper feel. And as she was looking at Ruby, she let her self believe that maybe, she could.

The thought made Jasper feel truly strong in a way that she had never felt before.

Jasper and Ruby had relied entirely on the homeworld system for validation. They had been giving up a lot of themselves, hurt themselves, for that validation. But they didn't need it anymore. They had each other.

Jasper bent down in front of Ruby, and only hesitated a small second before she pulled her into a tight hug.

Ruby went stiff at first, but then she started to melt into the hug, burying her face against Jasper's chest. Jasper felt like she was gonna burst. Like her whole form was alight, glowing, melting together with...

They were fusing.

And Jasper let it happen. Because with Ruby, she felt like home. With Ruby, she felt supported, and appreciated, and... _loved_. And now she could feel, that Ruby felt the same way too.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If you read this fic and thought it wasn't totally bad please please let me know! Thank you <3


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